My first semester of SUNY Geneseo has been a mosaic of varying emotions and moments. There were a plethora of times where I doubted myself and stress consumed me. On the other hand there were many moments of success and happiness. When I first arrived at the college I was beyond nervous about growing in a new environment without friends and family from home. I was anxious about meeting new people; change is never easy for me. Through consistency of hardwork and pushing myself to step outside of my comfort zone, I am proud of how my first semester went. How I was able to make amazing friends and put myself out there more than I usually would. In my goal setting essay (“Achieving Awareness and Notability”) that I wrote in the beginning of the semester in INTD 105: Writing seminar/ Toni Morrison and Reparations, I touched on the quote, “You just can’t fly on off and leave a body,” from Toni Morrison’s, Song of Solomon. In that essay I further interpreted that quote as growing into the best version of myself; that I am not leaving my previous self and “body” but using my experiences and lessons from the past to grow into a new experience. At the end of this semester and after analyzing the novel with peers, this quote and course epigraph has a whole new meaning to me. I now interpret it as taking responsibility for one’s actions and putting in effort to improve the situation or issue. I have learned that in order to become better one must acknowledge their wrongdoings and take responsibility, in order to flourish as a student, and evidently as a person.
With the addition of a grown understanding of the epigraph, the context along with it made more sense to me. Pilate says to Milkman that, “A Human life is precious. You shouldn’t fly off and leave it. So I knew right away what he meant cause he was right there when we did it. He meant that if you take a life, then you own it. You responsible for it. You can’t get rid of nobody by killing them. They still there, and they yours now….. Life is life. Precious. And the dead you kill is yours” (Morrison.208). Originally Milkman was worried about getting out of town, getting “gold”, and escaping murder. But by the end of the novel he comes to realize that a life is so precious and one’s actions must be held accountable, like Pilate had stated. Milkman Dead endures this long journey of self growth in order to conclude with his understanding of why he is alive along with his environment. In the beginning of the novel he doesn’t completely understand the struggles around him, and is even ignorant in some ways. He doesn’t realize how fortunate he is until put in certain scenarios like encountering a police officer as a black man. The moments with people around him allow him to realize the responsibilities he has as well as how social change is needed.
Like Milkman Dead, I can point out various moments where I was not being the best version of myself during my first months here . I realized that my grades did not reflect previous grades I’ve received in the past. Then I also lost motivation and gained procrastination. In addition to this, I treated school as a chore, rather than appreciating that it is an opportunity. I had made excuses for the harm I was causing to myself. Without taking responsibility, I was blindsided by my own harm. There were various moments where Milkman was causing harm to the people around him without realizing it. For example, with Hagar he openly disregarded her strong feelings for him, and he continuously shut her down without considering her loving feelings. In the novel Morrison includes this insight about Milkman, “He just wanted to beat a path from his parents’ past…He avoided commitment and strong feelings, and shied away from decisions” (Morrison.180). I relate to this in that I struggled this past semester with adjusting to a new environment. I avoided any negative feelings of fear or failure. I was unorganized and not focused on the work I needed to complete. I also procrastinated most due dates. When I reflected on myself and realized that the common denominator to my issues is myself. I took action to fix them. Alluding to the epigraph, I had to take action and responsibility and account for my own body. To become my responsible and organized self, I kept a thorough agenda. Then I had to be honest with myself as to why I procrastinate. Why was I avoiding work? It wasn’t because there was too much to handle. I was avoiding failure. I was nervous about the new atmosphere of college. I was scared of not being good enough when professors saw my work. It took this realization for me to stand up to my own self, that I am more than enough and capable, I am smart and hardworking, and that I am grateful that I have the opportunity to become even more educated. To end procrastination I learned to manage my time when it came to essays, projects, and homework. Giving myself proper breaks and working efficiently in the time I set for myself to work. This improved my studying as well as my stress, ultimately leading to better grades and happier times. I realized with this harm I was self sabotaging myself. Therefore when I took responsibility for my mistakes, I improved so much more. You cannot fix the problem if you do not acknowledge it in the first place. In Song of Solomon one of Milkman’s awakenings occurred after his sister called out his harmful behavior, “ ‘You are exactly like him…You think because you hit him once that we all believe you were protecting her. Taking her side. It’s a lie. You were taking over, letting us know you had the right to tell her and all of us what to do” (Morrison.251-216). Because of his harmful actions, he had to realize that the world does not revolve around what works best for him, or what he thinks is best for everyone. Like this thought, I needed to realize that in order to be the best version of myself I have to account for my actions for other people around me as well. To utilize the tools and opportunities around me to not only help myself but maybe even help others.
After thorough realization and reflection I am eager to tackle the spring semester, and future years to come. More so I look forward to utilizing my new developed healthy habits to flourish as a student and person. It means a lot to me considering my goals of becoming an elementary school teacher. I am determined to be the best role model and teacher in order to ensure great future generations. I understand that that role is a huge responsibility, and I take pride in that I will work hard to try and spread kindness and care. So that kindness, care, and responsibility will hopefully be portrayed in the future amongst the ugliness that can occur. We can acknowledge and take responsibility for the wrongdoings and mistakes of the past, but what is especially important is the action for change that follows.