More than a grade, a self reflection

Thankfully, the school semester has come to an end. This entire semester itself was an extremely new challenge for me and it also opened my eyes a lot. Transitioning from having my entire senior year and junior year through zoom and going to in person classes was all new for me. I haven’t remembered waking up so early to get ready to go to classes in person for almost two years. There have been quite a few experiences that have happened to me not only in this class, but in all my other classes in general and just the entire semester as a whole.

Now thinking back after this semester, there are definitely a lot of things that I wish I would’ve done differently. When the semester first started, I was so excited and I had such a flow and rush of energy ready to start classes. I had read some of the syllabi beforehand and took note of important things and due dates and assignments, and many more. I had such a high motivation for everything at this time. This was within only the first few weeks. I also impulsively joined a bunch of things and this was something that I definitely regret and you’ll see why as I get further into the essay. Having this huge spark of motivation lasted for a while, I was on top of everything and I went to class regularly and I was in a good headspace.  Unfortunately, that didn’t last too long for me. As we got a bit later into the semester, I noticed how I started slipping and I felt a little lost of what I was doing with myself physically and mentally. I wasn’t as attentive as I was before when it came to paying attention in class, I’d get easily distracted and just go into my own world and sometimes I wouldn’t show up to some of my classes for days and eventually weeks. I somewhat stayed on top of my work in certain classes, but not all.

The motivation I had in the beginning had faded so fast and I was so confused because I was so excited to start this semester and tap into new things and experiences. Everything just started becoming too overwhelming for me and I felt like I couldn’t really keep up. Along with suffering physically and emotionally, my grades also started to slip and that’s where I knew I messed up. For me, grades have always been a huge part of my life. Grades determine how I portray myself and how I see myself, for instance if I get just a single bad grade on one of my quizzes or assignments I tend to get sad and upset, and overall just disappointed. The thing is though, none of this pressure to have great grades came from my parents. My mom was proud of me no matter what as long as she knew that I did my best and tried my hardest, I had put this pressure on myself because I wanted to do good and I wanted to succeed. I’ve always tried to strive for being the best, so that’s why grades hold importance to me. And coming from being a straight A student in high school and getting barely passing grades in college it did something to me and it made me start viewing myself differently.

I’d have many instances where I’d just think to myself if I’m really smart and if I should keep going and sometimes I would doubt myself and think that it wasn’t really worth it. My grades came out to be terrible, it was either barely passing or it was a satisfactory grade. After receiving some of these grades I couldn’t help but think that I did this to myself. I had a bunch of bad habits that I picked up during my time here in college. I’d put stuff off to the last minute, or I just wouldn’t do some assignments at all, I’d pull all-nighters to study for an exam or quiz just to end up not passing it the next day, or I’d prioritize some classes over others. For example, I did this with INTD which I’m not proud of and I’m glad that Beth was an understanding professor. I told her that what I was doing was intended to be done on purpose, and I was struggling terribly in my other class that I put so much effort and focus into that one class all my grades started to suffer with me and looking back now, It’s something that I heavily regret because if I had managed my time efficiently I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Even though my grades this semester are extremely terrible, and it’s more than likely that I’m going to have to retake some of the courses I want to use this break and this time to help figure out what my intentions and plans are for next semester. And I want to focus on what I did wrong and where I went wrong and how I shouldn’t do it to myself again. I also want to be more efficient with my time and not prioritize one class over all the others because looking back from this, it was one of the biggest mistakes I could’ve made. I want to use the spring semester as a fresh start for myself not only academic wise but also social wise. I did notice that in some instances, I tended to be closed off and I wasn’t really that close with many people in some of my classes. I feel like if I were to be close with a good amount of people, it would help me in the long run. I’ll have people to study with, someone to go to incase I need help on an assignment and the teacher confuses me even more, or just some else to talk to about the class itself. I have many plans for myself in the spring semester, and even though fall was not my best I know it doesn’t define who I am as a person. I know I can do better, and I will do better.

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