Wishful thinking

This semester did not go the way I was thinking it was going to go. I expected it to go in the complete opposite direction than it did. I surprised myself this semester. by succeeding in ways I didn’t know I could. I was expecting to fail miserably in all of my classes and to not do well on my assignments. I am doing much better than I thought I would in school. I am getting good grades and putting lots of effort into my assignments. I am also participating in classes, reaching out to other peers, and making new friends. That was something I never thought I could do.

I expected my mental health to be at as rock bottom as it could go and to shut down completely just to make it through the semester completely. But I didn’t. I got good grades and studied hard. I learned to balance my job with school and my personal life. I found a way and drive home still every weekend for work, have time to see my family, and friends from high school. I also went home to stay a few nights in my room at home, which is my safe place. I’m in a much better place than I was at the beginning of the semester. I wish I knew the reason. I think it’s a mix of therapy as well as going home often. Like I mentioned, my room at home is my safe place. I always had a fallback, an escape route, if you will so that if everything gets overwhelming or becomes too much for me to handle, I always have a plan B.

I was fortunate this semester with how everything turned out for me. I hope for the spring semester that everything I worked hard for this semester will remain the same as well as I hope my mental health remains as it is now. It is at a place that I can manage. My manageable mental health has been the one thing keeping me going in terms of motivation and dedication towards my school work. Without it, I think I would be in a much bigger hole, and it would show negatively in my school work and performance. I hope next semester my teachers are just as caring and open-minded as they are this semester and that my classes are as easy going next semester just like they have been this semester. My wish for next semester is that I am happy and successful.

Bright eyes

I walked into Geneseo with big eyes and a pocket full of hopes. I had no idea what to expect in terms of everything college had to offer. Sure, I had taken college classes before. I knew what to expect, but this was different; this was the real deal. Classes, we’re almost carbon copies of my college-level classes in high school. I had such high hopes for my learning outcome however, I thought my mental health would become completely unfixable with the start of a new chapter in my life. Surprisingly, my struggles have decreased since the beginning of the school year. I didn’t expect that. My classes however have been the opposite. They started easy and tame and gradually increased to ‘what the heck is going on, I’m so confused!’

Funny how that works. My mental health didn’t grow with my struggle in my classes. As we reach the middle of the semester, classes have reached their peak and are thankfully going downhill. I’ve stayed up to date, reading all of my assignments and studying hard for my quizzes. I was convinced my mental health would make my life unbearable, especially with midterms and increasing assignments. I was pleasantly surprised when that wasn’t the case, and I was somewhat successful. The only issue is, I struggle with asking for help. When I feel confused in class or with assignments, I’m afraid to ask for help.

That’s my goal for the second half of the semester. To push me and do things for myself. I want to stop being afraid of asking for help. It’s such a mundane task, but it’s been a huge struggle for me, it’s the only factor decreasing my grade and participation in my classes. I believe that by working on asking for help from professors and other peers, I can be even more successful in my studies and finish the semester strong! That’s honestly my only goal for the second half of the semester. I am very nervous about working my way up to asking for help, but I know once I do it, It will be easier, and I will get the help I need to demonstrate my full potential.

“Not like the others”

My whole life, I’ve been told who I am going to be. How life works, how to act and thrive. I don’t particularly like following the path already laid for me, clearing my way in life. I have succeeded and failed all on my own, and I’m proud of that. A burnt-out gifted student is a label they put on students like me. People like myself who flew through the early years of the school received excellent grades only to plummet later. That was the first time I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Growing up in Hilton, a small town in Rochester, NY, it’s easy to blend in with everyone else.

Going into college, I was worried. I chose Geneseo because of the inclusivity and passion for their students. In the past, I’ve had bad experiences with the facility and staff of my old schools. I was nervous about keeping up and maintaining the status I worked so hard to keep. But I realized that some teachers don’t care about your success but your understanding. For the first time, I realized teachers wanted me to understand the lessons and have expressed to me many times that they are willing to provide extra assistance when needed. I learned that I don’t need to prove myself here, that I don’t need to be the best at everything, especially if it costs my understanding and passion for the topic. I’m so grateful to the professors at Geneseo and their passion for us students, and I’m so excited to learn more about myself and my learning through this new experience.

My past experiences at my old schools ruined my self-esteem and projected how the rest of my life would go. I thought it was over, that I had nothing else to work for, and I almost gave up. I felt defeated that I didn’t have anyone who wanted to help me in the way I needed it. I felt alone. Soon after, I met an amazing person my sophomore year, and he became a mentor and my go-to person for the rest of high school. He showed me that it’s okay to mess up and not be perfect. He taught me that applying myself and how high I could succeed. I owe everything to him. I am back to feeling that way right now, not knowing any other facility or other students. I feel alone, but these last few weeks have shown me that I have people who want to help me and stand behind me. Because of that, I know I will succeed and soar through my years here at Geneseo.